Christmas, Day Twelve – Part 1

…or On the Last Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: a free pass to the 12th day of Christmas Beachfest.

Down at Seaside Villa:

Tamara: Judith, I just love your new dress. Did you get it just for the Beachfest?
Judith: Oh this old thing? I’ve had it forever.

Tamara: Is that Nellie May’s mousse cake? It looks divine but I hear she has weevils. I won’t eat a thing that comes out of Nellie May’s kitchen.
Sandra: We’d better tuck into these desserts if we want to get any before the kids see it.
Judith: Where are the kids anyway? The concert’s about to start.
Tamara: There’s a play over at the children’s stage. I told Brenda to bring them over by the band when it’s finished.

Brenda: He’ll shoot his eye out!

Kenneth: Welcome to the 12th Day of Christmas Festival – we’re the Cave Dwellers and we’re here to shut down Christmas with a few good tunes.

Kenneth: I’d like to dedicate this next song to the one I love….
Marvin (to self) : Let it be me. Please let it be me.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

© Judy Parsons 2019

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Christmas, Day Twelve – Part 2

…or On the Last Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: a free pass to the 12th Day of Christmas Barbecue and Bash.

Over at the Trailer Park:

Lannie: Check. Check one two. ♫ La La de Da ♪♪ Can I get a little more monitor there, Dave.

Lannie: And can somebody clear those durned penguins off away from the stage.
Kenny: They ain’t penguins. They’re Flamingos.
Lannie: Can somebody clear those durned flamingos away from the stage.

Shelly: Twelfth Day would be a heck of a lot more fun……

…..If you didn’ have ta line up fer everything.

Randy: Here little Sis, go buy yourself a hot dog. I’m making a killing on these kebabs.

Kola: They’re not really made from dogs are they?
Andrew: Naw, they’re made from oinker’s lips and snouts.

Hot Dog: I dunno why I’m called a hot dog little buddy, but you’d be a hot dog too if you had to spend all day in a big foam suit in the Florida sun.

Alfredo: Come on, I dare you to try one. I hear they’re very tasty.
Alphonso: No no, I’m a prosciutto man myself.

Lannie: Welcome folks, we’re The Man Land Band and we’re here to help you celebrate the twelfth day of Christmas. Take it away Garry…

 

 

Shelly: Can I have your autograph, siiiigh.

Candy: Hey, Grandma can we get a manatee to keep Kola company? Grandma?

Joodles: You ain’t woman enough to take my man!

Joodles: Well I’m ready for the last day of Christmas to be over and done. It was goin’ a’rigth til that Shelly turned up. I’m not too worried about her tho; she’s so dumb she couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions was written on the heel.
Lannie: Hey girl, we forgot to drop off Garry.
Joodles: Garry? But he’s not in the back. ANYBODY BACK THERE SEEN GARRY?

Kenny: In a gadda da vida honey……

And that’s the twelve days of Christmas chronicles from down south. Happy New Year.

© Judy Parsons

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Christmas, Day Eleven

…or On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: A Scolding.

Over at the Trailer Park:

Joodles: All ready to hit the stage tomorrow? You’re not wearin’ that are ya?

Lannie: Why? Nobody’s gonna see it behind my gee-tar.

Joodles: Lannie, it’s got a conglomeration of stains that could be anything from drool to chili-con-carne.

Joodles: Hold the fort, I’m goin’ shopping.

Meanwhile down at Seaside Villa:

Joodles: You all set for your gig tomorrow, dear?

Lancelot: Sure am. Just going to spit shine these boots and I’ll be all set.

Joodles: But you’re not wearing that outfit, correct? Do a pirouette for me please and thanks.

Joodles: There’s a hole in the elbow of your shirt, the collar is hanging by a thread and there’s a stain on the back of your pants that looks like something it probably isn’t.
Lancelot: But it’s my lucky shirt. I wear it for all my gigs.

Lancelot: Besides, no disrespect dearest,  but your attire is less than impeccable. There’s a soot stain on your bosom.


Judith: Oh my heavens. How long have I been going around like this? Why didn’t you tell me? I’m going shopping!

© Judy Parsons 2019

 

Christmas, Day Ten

..or On the Tenth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me: ingenious grandchildren.

Over at the Trailer Park:

Lannie: Come on kids, it’s time go set up the gear for the Seaside Festival.

Randy: Okay but first you got to come with us. We drank so much Cola yesterday that we couldn’t sleep so we stayed up all night.
Candy: You gotta see what we made!

Candy: It’s a wind-powered merry-go-round.

Randy: Whistle up some wind dudes.

Lannie, Joodles, Garry and Kenny: Ooooh, aaaaah.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa:

Lawrence: Grandpa, you can’t go until you see what we made last night.
Lancelot: Last night?
Lawrence: Yeah, after you were all gone to bed. Brenda gave us so much Cola we couldn’t sleep.
Lancelot: All right but we can’t be too long. We’ve got to go set up the gear for the concert tomorrow.
Marilyn: I’ll go get Grandma.

Lawrence: It’s a wind-powered marry-go-round.
Marilyn: And, it has solar back-up.

Lancelot: Well isn’t that remarkable.
Joodles: Oh, I’m weak in the knees thinking about those two little children using power tools.
Kenneth: Steady there, Judith.
Lancelot: Well dear, they have to learn. They still have all their fingers and neither put their eyes out. And what an accomplishment.


Lawrence: Do us the honour, Marilyn.

Lancelot, Judith, Kenneth and Douglas: Oooooh. Aaaaah.

And back a the Park:

Joodles: Hey, where’s this little dog come from?
Candy: His name’s Kola and Grampa said we could keep him.
Joodles: Your mother might have somethin’ to say about that.

Stay tuned….

© Judy Parsons 2019

Christmas, Day Nine

…or On the Ninth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me: a new guitar.

Down at Seaside Villa:

Lancelot: So here’s the deal-e-o my little chicklets; Grandpa has to rehearse with The Cave Dwellers so I want you to listen to everything Brenda tells you, okay?
Lawrence and Marilyn: Yes, Grandpa.
Lawrence: Can we use your tools, Grandpa?
Lancelot: Sure just wear the eye goggles and don’t tell Grandma.

Brenda: Okay here’s the deal. If you don’t bother me you can have all the pop you can drink. Understood?

Lancelot: What do you think; should we open with some Eagles or plow right into Wild Thing?

Marvin: I’m thinking Wild Thing, then Sweet Home Alabama then maybe some Jimmy Buffet.
Lancelot: Sounds good. Why don’t you take it away Kenneth…

Kenneth: ♫ It’s another Tequila sunrise….. ♪♪♪

Judith: Aaugh.

Meanwhile over at the Trailer Park

Lannie: OK kids, here’s the deal. I’ve got to practice for a gig with The Man Land Band so I need you to fend fer yerselves. Help yourself to the soda pop and if you stay away from Grandma I’ll buy you a puppy.
Randy: Can we use your tools?
Lannie: Sure, but only the power tools, the others are too hard to sharpen.

Lannie: A’right boys, why don’t we open it up with “No Trash in My Trailer”, then “Hell Yeah, I like Beer” and “Maybe “Billy’s Got His Beer Goggles On” if you can remember the words to that one Garry. In the key of G…

Candy: I think we should call our new pup Kola.
Randy: Sure whatever you like. Now help me cart this over to the shed and we can come back for another load.


Joodles: False advertising I thinks – the box said these were noise cancelling headphones.

© Judy Parsons 2019.

Christmas, Day Eight

…or On the Eighth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: a hangover.

Down at Seaside Villa

Joodles: You’d better get up, dear.
Lancelot: No, you get up.
Joodles: No, you get up. There’s a ton to do and you promised to take the grandchildren tomorrow.

Lancelot: No, that’s next week. Ooooh my head.
Joodles: No, that’s tomorrow.
Lancelot: Where can I find Babysitter Brenda’s phone number?
Joodles: I don’t know dear, why don’t you get up and look.
Lancelot: No, you get up.

Meanwhile over at the Trailer Park:

Joodles: Lannie wake up, it’s almost four o’clock.
Lannie: Wah? Whoa, where am I?

Joodles: You’d better get crackin’. You got the Grandkids comin’ to hang out tomorrow.
Lannie: Whaaa – naw, can’t be. I got the guys comin’ over to practice. Y’all sure about that?
Joodles: Sure as eggs is eggs. Now excuse me, I gotta yodel some groceries here.

Lannie: Just ten more minutes.

© Judy Parsons 2019

Christmas, Day Seven

….or On the Seventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: a Beverage Dispensary.

 

Down at Seaside Villa, out back in the man cave:

Kenneth: Hey there Lan, I heard you made a fabulous bar out of the new man-cave.
Lancelot: Sure did Kenneth, sure did.
Kenneth: Give it a proper name?

Lancelot: Sure did, my good buddy. I call it The Milky Way. Seemed like a good name for a bar. Can I get you something to drink? The shine is a bit fresh but I’ve got lots of beer.
Kenneth: I could take a beer.
Lancelot: What’s your fancy? I’ve got Shakesbeer, (that’s a classic), Hair of the Dog (that one will cure whatever ales you, heh, heh), Beer and Roses (Judith likes that one) and A Brewed Awakening.

Kenneth: What’s this rig for?
Lancelot: Pole dancing. It doesn’t get much use these days, I had to give it up when I got my new hip.

And over at the Trailer Park, out back:

Kenny: Hey Lanny, I heard you made somethin’ first class outa yer man cave.
Lannie: Sure did, Kenny, sure did.

Kenny: Watcha gonna call the place?

Lannie: The Kit Kat Lounge. Seems like a good name fer a bar. What can I gitcha? The shine is a bit harsh yet but I got beer in the cooler. Lemmi look. There’s Sudz, Beer Belly (that’s a stout), BYO Beer, and Adam’s Ale (that’s a bitter).

Lannie: Stick around and there might be entertainment later. What time you gonna start the bowl dancin’ Joodles?
Joodles: Wine o’clock.

Meanwhile back at Seaside Villa, main house: 

Firefighter Dave: Someone called in a fat fire?

Judith: Oh my heavens, thank God you’re here. The stove must have gotten too hot.

Joodles: I jsut can’t imagine why I didn’t notice. Can I get you something to drink? I’m afraid I only have half a bottle of Veni Vidi Vino left but I can open the Drinkerbelle.
Firefighter Dave: No thank you Ma’am, I’m on duty but I’ll take a glass of soda pop if you’re offering.


Judith: Well, you didn’t save my bacon but you did save the house. I can’t thank you enough.
Firefighter Dave: No need to thank me; that’s just what we do Ma’am, that’s just what we do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone, PLAY SAFE.

© Judy Parsons 2018

Christmas, Day Six

…or On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me: a Brewery

Over at the Trailer Park

Lannie: Get yerself over here Sammy, and bring lots of beer nuts and chips. And maybe a pickled egg or two.

Lannie: I wonder why they call it a “still” when that hooch is running right through it real lively like.

Joodles: It’s not too early for a small glass of Arbor Mist is it?

Joodles: I used to think wine was bad for me so I gave up thinking.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa

Lancelot: Well this brew eclipses my former favorite drink. It’s so good it ought to have a name. I think I’ll call it “Still Kicking’.”

Lancelot: Maybe I’ll replace the chimenea with a couple of solar panels. Then I can make moonshine from sunshine. Heh, heh, I do crack myself up sometimes.

Judith: What time is it anyway?

Ruff: Should we do something?
Duff: Nah, let’s just leave out a large bowl of water and some headache pills and if things start to look grim we can fetch the old man  from his doghouse.

© Judy Parsons 2018

 

Christmas, Day Five

..or On the Fifth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Fire

 

Down at the Trailer Park:

Joodles: Hey Jodie, ya gotta come over and check out the new patio. The glass she-shed? Yeah well, y’all familiar with the old saying “a gal who lives in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones”? I had a few stones I wanted to hurl so I put it on Craigslist and got enough money for a new patio with all the bells and whistles and a chimenea for Lannie’s man-cave.

Joodles: What I wouldn’t give for a nice glass of Arbor Mist right now.  Laaaannnie, find me a wine glass will ya.

While out at the man-cave:

Lannie: This new chimenea is finer than frog hair – keeps the critters from comin’ too close to the man-cave.

Lannie: Hmm, she’s givin’ off plenty heat too. Shame to put that to waste. Jooooodles, find me a big kettle will ya.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa:


Lancelot: Well now this chimenea is just the ticket for the old shack.

Lancelot: Hmm, we got the water, we got the fire; I see possibilities. Juuu-dith, where’s that big old pot? Judith?


Judith: A fire inside is so much nicer than stumbling around in the dark.

 

Judith: A nice Shiraz would be just the ticket right now.

© Judy Parsons 2018

Christmas, Day Four

..or On the Fourth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Running Water.

Over at the Trailer Park:

Joodles: Done diggin’.
Lannie: Well, ding dang doodle, let’s get’s this sucker runnin’.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa:

Judith: That’s the last bit dug, dear.

Lancelot: All right – let’s give it some juice.

Lancelot: Heh, heh, there comes a trickle. The pouring will aerate it ya see, makes it taste better.


Judith: And it’s colder than a well-digger’s buttocks. Refreshing!

© Judy Parsons 2018