Christmas, Day Seven

….or On the Seventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: a Beverage Dispensary.


Down at Seaside Villa, out back in the man cave:

Kenneth: Hey there Lan, I heard you made a fabulous bar out of the new man-cave.
Lancelot: Sure did Kenneth, sure did.
Kenneth: Give it a proper name?

Lancelot: Sure did, my good buddy. I call it The Milky Way. Seemed like a good name for a bar. Can I get you something to drink? The shine is a bit fresh but I’ve got lots of beer.
Kenneth: I could take a beer.
Lancelot: What’s your fancy? I’ve got Shakesbeer, (that’s a classic), Hair of the Dog (that one will cure whatever ales you, heh, heh), Beer and Roses (Judith likes that one) and A Brewed Awakening.

Kenneth: What’s this rig for?
Lancelot: Pole dancing. It doesn’t get much use these days, I had to give it up when I got my new hip.

And over at the Trailer Park, out back:

Kenny: Hey Lanny, I heard you made somethin’ first class outa yer man cave.
Lannie: Sure did, Kenny, sure did.

Kenny: Watcha gonna call the place?

Lannie: The Kit Kat Lounge. Seems like a good name fer a bar. What can I gitcha? The shine is a bit harsh yet but I got beer in the cooler. Lemmi look. There’s Sudz, Beer Belly (that’s a stout), BYO Beer, and Adam’s Ale (that’s a bitter).

Lannie: Stick around and there might be entertainment later. What time you gonna start the bowl dancin’ Joodles?
Joodles: Wine o’clock.

Meanwhile back at Seaside Villa, main house: 

Firefighter Dave: Someone called in a fat fire?

Judith: Oh my heavens, thank God you’re here. The stove must have gotten too hot.

Joodles: I jsut can’t imagine why I didn’t notice. Can I get you something to drink? I’m afraid I only have half a bottle of Veni Vidi Vino left but I can open the Drinkerbelle.
Firefighter Dave: No thank you Ma’am, I’m on duty but I’ll take a glass of soda pop if you’re offering.

Judith: Well, you didn’t save my bacon but you did save the house. I can’t thank you enough.
Firefighter Dave: No need to thank me; that’s just what we do Ma’am, that’s just what we do.


© Judy Parsons 2018

Christmas, Day Six

…or On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me: a Brewery

Over at the Trailer Park

Lannie: Get yerself over here Sammy, and bring lots of beer nuts and chips. And maybe a pickled egg or two.

Lannie: I wonder why they call it a “still” when that hooch is running right through it real lively like.

Joodles: It’s not too early for a small glass of Arbor Mist is it?

Joodles: I used to think wine was bad for me so I gave up thinking.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa

Lancelot: Well this brew eclipses my former favorite drink. It’s so good it ought to have a name. I think I’ll call it “Still Kicking’.”

Lancelot: Maybe I’ll replace the chimenea with a couple of solar panels. Then I can make moonshine from sunshine. Heh, heh, I do crack myself up sometimes.

Judith: What time is it anyway?

Ruff: Should we do something?
Duff: Nah, let’s just leave out a large bowl of water and some headache pills and if things start to look grim we can fetch the old man  from his doghouse.

© Judy Parsons 2018


Christmas, Day Five

..or On the Fifth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Fire


Down at the Trailer Park:

Joodles: Hey Jodie, ya gotta come over and check out the new patio. The glass she-shed? Yeah well, y’all familiar with the old saying “a gal who lives in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones”? I had a few stones I wanted to hurl so I put it on Craigslist and got enough money for a new patio with all the bells and whistles and a chimenea for Lannie’s man-cave.

Joodles: What I wouldn’t give for a nice glass of Arbor Mist right now.  Laaaannnie, find me a wine glass will ya.

While out at the man-cave:

Lannie: This new chimenea is finer than frog hair – keeps the critters from comin’ too close to the man-cave.

Lannie: Hmm, she’s givin’ off plenty heat too. Shame to put that to waste. Jooooodles, find me a big kettle will ya.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa:

Lancelot: Well now this chimenea is just the ticket for the old shack.

Lancelot: Hmm, we got the water, we got the fire; I see possibilities. Juuu-dith, where’s that big old pot? Judith?

Judith: A fire inside is so much nicer than stumbling around in the dark.


Judith: A nice Shiraz would be just the ticket right now.

© Judy Parsons 2018

Christmas, Day Four

..or On the Fourth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Running Water.

Over at the Trailer Park:

Joodles: Done diggin’.
Lannie: Well, ding dang doodle, let’s get’s this sucker runnin’.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa:

Judith: That’s the last bit dug, dear.

Lancelot: All right – let’s give it some juice.

Lancelot: Heh, heh, there comes a trickle. The pouring will aerate it ya see, makes it taste better.

Judith: And it’s colder than a well-digger’s buttocks. Refreshing!

© Judy Parsons 2018

Christmas, Day Three

..or On the Third Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me: a deer little gift.

Over at the Trailer Park:

Lannie: What’s that you got there?
Joodles: Deer head for yer man cave.
Lannie: Whur’d ya git it?
Joodles: Road kill. I decorated it up right nice and Christmassy. I made a bunch.


Lannie: Well ain’t that somethin’. You sure got a way with roadkill, honey-bun.

Meanwhile over at Seaside Villa:

Lancelot: My heavens, Judith, what is that?
Judith: A deer head for your man-cave. There was a lady selling them over at the Flea Market. She makes them out of roadkill.
Lancelot: Waste not, want not, I always say.

Lancelot: Well now dear, it adds a real nice rustic touch. It surely is a wonderful thing.

© Judy Parsons 2018

Christmas, Day Two

…or On The Second Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me: man-cave/she-shed lights.

Down at Florida Seaside Villa things were brightening up:

Lancelot: Not bad. Not bad at all. Shouldn’t add too much to the power bill, should it Judith. Judith? Juuu-dith”

 Judith: Aaah. That man-cave was the best idea I’ve had in years.

Meanwhile, over at the trailer park:

Joodles: OMG it’s amazing how a few coloured lights can brighten up a she-shed.

Lannie: Kind’a gloomy out here after dark.

Lannie: Better. Gotta get the neighbours over to see this set-up. Needs a bit more pizazz though. 

Lannie: Ar’right folks, let’s let ‘er rip…

Crowd: AAAAAAAAHhhhhh.

© Judy Parsons 2018
Video of  Nature Park Christmas light show by Lance.
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Christmas, Day One

…or On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me…..a man-cave.

Over at the Trailer Park

“Oh yeah, most awesomest Christmas ever Sammy.”

“I got me a man cave.”

“Oh yeeeah , Tammy, it’s awesome. I got an totally spectacular she-shed.”

Meanwhile over at Florida Seaside Villa:

“Well Samuel, I would have to say irrevocably that it’s the best Christmas ever. ”

“Judith secured a man cave.”

“Now Tamara, why would I want a so-called she-shed?”

“With Lancelot in his man cave, I have the whole house to myself. I’m not going anywhere, girl.”

Stay tuned……

© Judy Parsons 2018

O Tannenbaum

…or It’s Gotta Have the Popcorn Momma.

So the tree looked a little like it was harvested from the Grinch’s backyard outside Whoville.

But I fluffed up the branches and straightened the trunk and replaced the decorations it came with.

Needs more decorations.

Needs popcorn. Really needs popcorn. So I set about stringing popcorn.


There’s a right way to do popcorn. First you must be wearing pajamas. A good audio book helps break the monotony. I chose a Kurt Vonnegut novel to keep me amused. Quilting thread works better than ordinary thread. Some effort must be put into figuring out the perfect popcorn to cranberry ratio. This can be done while the popcorn sits with a cover on the bowl to make it soggy; it is less likely to fly apart if soggy. There is no golden ratio; factors such as size of tree, amount of cranberries available, time you have to spend, and attention span, are all variables. In this case 5 pops to 1 berry worked well. Under NO circumstances should one graze while stringing. Feed unpopped kernels to the chickens.

Whaaat? Doesn’t last year’s tree skirt make a perfect popcorn bib? The berries I nibbled must have been fermented because like our dear Frosty the Snowman, the decorations began to come to life.

“Wow, Henny, how’d y’all git yer eggs so red?”

“Gosh Penny, it must have been from grazin’ in the compost; all those beet peelings and squishy cranberries. ”

“Well durn it, I grazed the compost too and all I can get is these silly pop-farts.”

“Did someone say pop-farts?”

Goodness, what was that? Where was I? Decorating with popcorn.

There now, that looks a darn sight better.

Merry Christmas to all of my loyal readers. Now get yourselves off to bed before you get caught out by the big guy in red.

© Judy Parsons 2018

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Thrifty Christmas

… or Goods at the Goodwill

Good gracious, it’s Christmas and I am in a different country without all of the Christmas crap I’ve collected over the years. So it was off to the goodwill store to see what took my fancy. Here are some of the things I didn’t buy:

It’s a ….what is it?

No really, what is it? It is over a foot tall and wears mittens and snowshoes so it is likely a Northern creature, but not one I have ever come across. Perhaps the real ones are all trapped out. It might go real nice with this tree:

Glam tree.

At least I think it was a tree. It was with the fake trees and it had a Santa tree-topper. Tempting? Nope.

How exciting!

I was disappointed to discover that this was not a book of suggested places to have Christmas sex, i.e. under the mistletoe or under the tree or wearing just the kid’s Christmas stockings. Might be a niche market there for someone with a little imagination.

Joyeux Noel, little buddies, Joyeux Noel.

I tried to get this at a discount because it was spelled wrong. They wouldn’t budge. And you should see the other stuff I didn’t buy. I did find some perfectly good little wooden decorations

and a two and a half foot synthetic tree. That’s a whole foot and a half higher than last year’s synthetic tree. I’m coming up in the world folks. It came with the lights already on it, four owls, and a hedgehog too and all for only $6.99. So I splurged on a two dollar tree topper. Let the decorating begin.

Whoo whoo hoo’s having a Thrifty Christmas?

© Judy Parsons 2018

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A Visitor

….or Gopherus Polyphemus returns.

Yep, he’s back.  Or, to be more accurate, still here. I’m the one who is back.

At least I think he is a he if my internet-based analysis is correct. He’s pretty old too given his size and the state of his carapace. Aw shucks, I’m just showing off now – that’s his shell I’m talking about.

His shell actually reminds me of a dog I once knew that lived in a garage/car recycling shop. The dog was so covered in grease and grime that we were never really sure of its actual colour – its coat was exactly the same colour as this shell. The tortoise’s face, however, reminds me a little of a woman who used to cut my hair. Not so much feature-wise, just the expression.

You’d probably look a little cranky too if your species was threatened. Or if you had to carry your home on your back. Actually it’s a bit of a myth to say its shell is its home. Gopher turtles dig deep burrows in which they nest. They are known to share their burrows with up to 360 different species. Not all at once I hope. That would really make me cranky.  Now why does he look like he is judging me?

Looks downright prehistoric wouldn’t you say? The species is around 60 million years old after all. He’s not the only thing in my garden that looks prehistoric. Take a look at this ginger plant which is growing by the compost bin. The red rhizome is is about four inches high.

The alligators also look prehistoric but hopefully I’ll never see one up close crossing my front yard. And the palmetto beetles – well – let’s just say they are a little alarming when underfoot so I am not inclined to take friendly photographs of them. You never know what is going to crawl out of the woods down here.

© Judy Parsons 2018

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